Day 4 – Hard times came knocking

I woke up this morning with mist covering the whole of the Magalies mountain range, soft rain dripping on the roof and a little bit of a chill in the air.

Hubby brought me my cuppa in bed and we sat talking about what the future might hold for our country.

 Reading about rural areas with confirmed COVID-19 cases scares me. It frightens me to think about my staff living in their small spaces with nowhere to go. I have a knot in the middle of my tummy realizing that I might not see some of them again.

Some of them have been in my employment for 15 years. I know their families. I celebrated their successes and I cried with them when they went through hard times.  They are my work family. The people that see and hear the most of me.

This tail-spinned into tears, clearly my PMS and this horrible topic created depression that was beyond my control.

 My husband looked at me with a stern look and said : “ Pucker up Princess. Put on your big girl panties and stop crying. It’s not doing any good for any of us if you sit here crying all day “. Turned around and walked out.

This filled me with instant rage! How can he be so insensitive! Doesn’t he understand that I have emotions, feelings and that I have the right to express them! He is not the boss of me and he is definitely an A-hole for even being alive at the moment.

I got dressed , still fuming. I swear, I looked like one of those cartoon characters with steam blowing from their ears at this stage. I made sure to bang my cupboard doors as hard as I could, for extra effect I even talked outload about how mad I am.

I stomped my feet and slammed down my empty cup on the kitchen counter.

My inmates looked up from their breakfast that dear daddy made and my eldest dryly commented that he is not sure, but he is picking up a vibe. This trigged giggles between the teenage hormonal monsters.

Little miss emotions Jeneske, came running to me , hugging me wanting to know whether I’m going to be ok. I assured her that I’m just a little bit sad but that everything was going to be ok.

I excused myself, lied down on my bed and hugged my soft blanket. Crying my little heart out feeling sorry for myself. After deeming it safe, hubby joined me. I turned around with a stiff and straight back, moving to the edge of the bed.

Now imagine this.. There we were on a King size bed. Him on the one side spread out like a sea star. Me on the edge hovering between air and the ground. If I moved up any more, I would have had to put my hand on the floor to avoid falling from the bed.

“ You know this is not your fault, right?”

Clearly he missed the memo. He is the one at fault!

“ Alita, look at me”

Turning around unwillingly he continued.

“This situation came from nowhere. None of us saw it coming. You are really not at fault. There is nothing you can do right now. You can’t take away their risk, their worries and you can definitely not change their addresses right now.”

I moved up to lie in his arm. Not only because my back was hurting from laying so still but also because I really needed a hug from him.

It was quiet in the room. Outside the closed door, life went on. I could hear the washing machine humming away, my stay in Edith washing dishes and kids laughing and running down the stairs after breakfast. (At least I could help her staying safe)

Today I feel knocked down. Like I’m a deflated balloon drained from any air.

It came to me today that we all feel guilty about something. We feel bad for earning more than others, having more, being happier or whatever it is you feel. All of us have worked hard for everything we’ve gotten in life. I know only a few people that fell in the inheritance butter. I’m surely not one of them.

I have to get over my guilt and start being thankful.

Picture this. You offer your child their dream gift. There is a moment of jumping up and down and then a depressed “but why can’t you give this to my friend as well” Then the toy is put in the corner because your child feels guilty to play with it.

This is not fair towards you or your child.

I decided today to stop apologizing for the life that I have. I don’t need to feel guilty. I can help others because I want to. Not because of my guilt, but because I am in the blessed position to help.

I still have a business. I cannot feel guilty because my friend had to close hers for good. It is not my fault.

So today, whoever is reading this... Please stop feeling guilty.

Stay safe and healthy

xx